I sat in the library, watching the seconds tick by. Watching time continue on. And all I wanted is for those seconds to stop changing. All I wanted was for time to stop. Because maybe if time stopped, I could gather up all my broken pieces and try to start to put them back together. But as I sat there, I came to realize what I hadn’t completely accepted over the past year. I wasn’t okay. I hadn’t completely come to terms with what had happened. And I felt so incredibly alone.
Yes, I am sad.
And yes, I am broken.
But until that moment dawned on me in the library, I didn’t realize how broken I actually was.
For a while after the shooting, I felt so numb I didn’t think I needed help. I told my mom to focus on my sister because she was the one who needed the attention. My biggest mistake was not asking for help when I needed it.
I am a huge advocate for living and not just existing. But for the past year, I have felt as though my world was stuck in neutral and I have been searching for my breath. 365 days of sadness, happiness, anger, love, and questioning. I feel like I am stuck in that day. Stuck remembering, recounting, and reminiscing.
I have just existed for the past year. Going through the motions, tip-toeing around what I was afraid to confront inside of me.
No matter how many inspirational things I read and write about how I am not changed by this, I’ve got it all wrong. I have been changed by this. Because no normal teenager goes to school everyday, wondering if it will happen again. Normal teenagers don’t jump when they hear a book drop or a locker slam, relating it back to what I heard that day. Our situation is anything but normal.
Happiness seems so fleeting. Smiles seem so conformed. Life seems so on edge. People seem so fragile. And my world seems so incapable of grasping the idea of moving on.
I sat in the library on the Friday before finals and watched the clock pass from 12:33 to 12:35, counting the seconds. They felt so long, but so short at the same time. Life was changed in eighty seconds. Life was taken in eighty seconds. And life was altered into something completely different in eighty seconds.
Our school, no matter what happened, is not another name on a list. Our feelings are always valid. Our stories matter.
Yes, I am not okay. But I am going to be okay. I believe that what is put on my shoulders, no matter how heavy, is something I can handle. I believe that when tragedy knocks you down, you have people to help you up. I believe that time will find a way to put my pieces back together.
No matter what happened, what’s happening, and what is going to happen, we are all here for a reason.
No matter how much we plead for time to stop, it wont. But continuing on is the only choice we have been given.
Take care of one another.
“So they picked up their armor, and they went to do battle with all of their demons and all their monsters of past lives. And they don’t run from this like they did when they were kids. Because to not have some battle scars is to never have lived.” -Paradise Fears
Beautiful Chaos 